i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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