just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
