She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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