I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
