I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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