Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
