I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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