$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
