I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
