WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize