I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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