I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
