When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Randomize