I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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