Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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