Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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