you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
