What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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