i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
