My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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