The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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