dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
