I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
