def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
