none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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