I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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