This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
