Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
