JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Randomize
