Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
he puts the penis in happiness.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
