i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
