Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
