Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
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