Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
