How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
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