Im at strip club and am horny
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
