Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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