i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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