I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
