I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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