I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
