i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
