My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
