I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
In other news, I just burned my penis
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
