watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
