just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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