I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
