every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
