Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
