I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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