The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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