So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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