Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
