i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
