his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
