Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
